i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Sober January is a disaster.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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