It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
