Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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