I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
