I'm gonna have a badass scar
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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