my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He did a backflip because drugs
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
