So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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