they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
