Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
