i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
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wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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