Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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