my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
