Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
