Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
