Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
