I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
