Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
