So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
