I think im going to throw up on grandma
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
