thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
