Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
