I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
