I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize