Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
