some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
