Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
