Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
