You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
