I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
