I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
