walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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