Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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