My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My cat gives me a boner
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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