so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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