New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
