Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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