What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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