I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
