I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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