She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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