I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
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Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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