mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Randomize
