Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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