I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
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I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
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Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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