Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
