I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
