and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
