My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
