I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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