He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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