I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
