My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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