Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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