By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
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He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
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Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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