turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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