I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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