You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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