the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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