i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
